“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

- Albert Camus

I started this blog when I graduated college, using it to share music of my friends and to express myself with writing.  When I left for my travels, with the help of a dear friend, I decided to continue writing - a method to help remember what was going on, and a way for my family and friends to see where I was without having to send multiple emails.  I know a lot of what I experienced will belong only to me, and I don’t expect my story to be so attention-worthy.  I was, however, surprised and touched to see how many of you cared and were invested in reading about what I was doing abroad. 

I was overwhelmed with joy to return to the US with messages from friends from across the country welcoming me home!  Chatting with you, hearing you point out an event that happened to me while I was gone made my heart kind of melt a little.  I am so grateful for my family and friends here.  I guess it kind of comes full circle. at the end of the day, I am grateful for my experience, but I am undoubtedly, and forever, indebted to my family and my friends who supported me all the way and continue to do so today.

My blog will continue, and probably ebb and flow between the way it started and the way it was while I was traveling… sharing music and small bits of my life.  If you are interested in exploring the world of local musicians, please continue to read because I promise my friends are TALENTED. 

I have learned that all of life is an adventure, and mine has not stopped just because I have returned to the US of A.  Which, is really dreary right now, at least in the part that I am currently sitting.  Tomorrow morning, after being home for about five days, I make my next move, via CAR to Portland, Maine!  But, tonight I get to be reunited with my brother from another mother… The person who inspired me to go to Asia in the first place, SEBAS!

… As well as the privilege to watch his band, INFINITY GIRL launch their new album, “stop being on my side,” at TT and the Bears in Central Square.  Come out if you’re in the Boston Area!

If you look closely, you can see people rock climbing up to a rope, that assists the rest of the climb up this massive rock.  Where the “chickens” are standing is about a nine meter jump, the highest point is about fifteen meters.  I was standing at the lower jump and I said to myself, Mariel, if you’re going to jump off a cliff, jump off a cliff! So, while the boys watched from shore, doubtful that we’d have the gumption to jump, I looked down below, said, “this is it,” ran, and jumped (as aerodynamically as possible.)

I think it is Monday, May 7.  Yep, it is, just checked my WATCH.  On May 2nd I woke up at 7 am, showered, and got on a three hour ferry ride to Chompon from Koh Tao.  I then got on an 8 hour bus ride from Chompon to Bangkok.  I had a dinner of Pad Thai street food and a Chang, and went to the airport to board my flight by 2 am, May 3rd.  I flew seven hours to Kuwait.  I sat in Kuwait for two hours in what I call the Twilight Zone.  I then got on a six hour flight to Heathrow airport, deplaned, went through some weird security because I guess the US is weird about flights coming from Kuwait, and then flew seven hours from London to New York City.  When I arrived I was confused at the fact that it was still May 3rd and I had been traveling for like forty hours.  I wasn’t really confused because I know how time zones work, but I was very confused.

I got off my flight, and cheery eyed, approached the man at the customs counter.  I remembered that when I got back from Spain, they stamped my passport and said, “Welcome home, Mariel!” I was excited for this.  The man behind the counter did not smile.  He said, “what do you do for work?”  THAT WAS HIS FIRST QUESTION.  THAT WAS HIS FIRST GREETING.  It was cold, it was misty, and my customs man asked what I did for work, then he asked, “why did you go to all of these countries?”  I said to travel and see the world, then he said “that’s a big bag, what’s in there?”  I said, I don’t know… hiking boots?  After telling me how to correctly where the pack, that I had been wearing for the past 4 months straight, he let me go with a roll of his eyes. 

“Invictus” by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

After however many days it has been, my jet lag has subsided, and I am feeling a little bit alive.  The reason I share this picture, anecdote and poem, is for this reason.  Before leaving this country, I thought I knew all about culture shock.  I spent nine months as a sixteen year old in a Spanish city only to return to a homogenous boarding school… but this, this was unREAL.  I felt cold, lost alone, hopeless, frustrated, and freaking pissed off! I was scared what if, what if I lose everything I gained?  What if I forget all that I learned?

My former boss asked that I call him immediately upon my return.  I think he wants me back.  I have no money in my bank account.  I could use a good steady pay check.  But before I left for Asia, I vowed to never work in that office again.  I vowed to never make a decision that wasn’t right for me.  In the haze and frustration of deciding whether or not to call him, I opened an email from Marian, my travel partner, and it had this poem in it. 

Just as I was strong to jump off that cliff, I must be strong to follow my path, to be the master of my fate and the captain of my soul.

“I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to believe god has a plan for me and I am on a path to fulfill a destiny involving miracles and sunsets with amazing revelations, but I know now that for every event we claim to justify makes sense, always comes one to find and crush your faith and belief systems. But we all want to rationalize our dilemmas trivializing these major life transformations, forgetting that in the blink of an eye all of what we think we know can change…” - Iyeoka Ivie

Approximately three years ago, I had a very serious surgery. The doctor said ten minutes later, and I would not have made it. I lost 2.5 litres of blood, which is over half my total blood volume. I had two blood transfusions and was in recovery for one and a half months.  The poem quoted above is about a woman who almost lost her life as well. She continues, describing an almost-plane crash,

“I’m praying, I’m crying. So this is how it happens, I am thinking. And my entire existence swims and collapses into a collection of should-have-been, could-have-been tomorrows before me. With no future conversations, no miracles or sunsets with amazing revelations, not seeing my sister get married, or when she delivers her first child. I’m talking images that hit me from this core to that reality that life will go on without me. I stand before you now, here by the grace of God.  For whatever reason that end was not for me. But what remained within, were thoughts of a thousand poems shouting, ‘this is what a blink of an eye was meant to feel like!’ Acknowledge the power of what was meant to be… Because all of what you think you know can at any point end abruptly. And how this translates to me, is to sometimes say rock the mic at a slam even of nobody is listening, hold a hand if you cant stop trembling, take a shot, funk a beat, just bring it, do whatever it is that makes you come alive. Because what remains the same are ’ little downpours of pain. And after the storm is over, sometimes life and death manages a balance to make room for one more… Because at the end of the day there has to be more to all of this than the rationalizations that lie between the legitimate, that everything happens for a reason. So find it and let that be a daily testament that every person you meet at any point can play a role in your life that can change the dynamics of everything, that every day that you breathe is another day left to dream. So dream of thunder and lightening and coincidences that saved your life and strangers that helped you get by and failures that pushed you to fly, and moments that could change you in the blink of an eye.”

I guess the reason I share excerpts of this poem in my last post of my travel is because I realized on this trip, over and over, that I was alive. I realized what being alive feels like, too! 

It feels like the few seconds you know your falling really fast after jumping off a fifty foot cliff, like a stranger offering some of their meal to you, it feels like thin air at the tops of mountains, like watching live coral, like floating out to sea on a kayak all alone, like learning about a genocide you had never heard of, like being alone and watching a football match with twenty Burmese young guys.  It feels like hitch-hiking by yourself after having lost your wallet.  It’s like touching ancient ruins, over-grown with trees…. It feels like meeting someone over breakfast and traveling the next ten days with them. I have noticed that many of those I have met in my travels have experienced things to push them to find this feeling. I hope I never lose it.

I can say with confidence I neber really believed this day would come. The past ten days I have been living on an island called Koh Tao in the gulf of Thailand. I am headed home now and will write more upom my arrival. Woohoo! Three aeven hour flights ahead.

1. Saw a shark snorkling
2. Jumped fifty feet off a rock into the ocean

Koh Tao is going to be a hard place to leave.

Cambodia, you are a plateau of progress. You broke my heart, but I am so proud of you.

Prison S-21

The Killing Fields

I have just left the party town of Vang Vieng, where I was living on an organic farm.

I spent a lot of the time on the farm eating delicious fresh spring rolls and preparing myself mentally for my return to the US in two weeks… It all started when I realized I was going “home.”

Suddenly, I panicked. Why am I going back if I am so happy here? What am I going to do without fruit shakes every day? Will I be bored? For me, home has become wherever I rest my head, or wherever my bag is waiting for me. Be that an Indian train station, a hostel in Nepal, a tree house in Thailand, a bus ride that is over 20 hrs… You know, it’s all home! I guess the panic comes from the fact that I don’t have a real home in the US. And that, for some bizarre reason, I use a different dictionary and definition entirely for the American Home, than for myself whilst I am on the move. But, bypassing a philosophical debate of what home really is, and thus saving myself from circling around in too many disorganized thoughts, I decided to deal with the panic.

To help cope with this I thought about my pack, my dresser/medicine cabinet/closet/shoerack/kitchen/study… My… “Home?”. Part of the reason that this has become comfortable for me is because it is the little thing on my back that I take with me everywhere!

Well, I realized I can take things with me back from Asia! My last post was about letting go, about saying goodbye. This is about taking away, carrying with. So I listed all of the things that I can take back with me to the United States of Americaaaa!

1. Colors! In India, Thailand, Laos, and Nepal, color is everywhere. I realize color and beauty make me happy - check, I will live colorfully.
2. Emotion - I like to feel. Shoot me! Here, among fellow travelers, that doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are real. Sadness sucks, but sometimes you feel it and that’s alright. So I have to let myself feel sad when I do, number one. Secondly, my favorite emotions are happy and free. I want to take freedom with me. I want to always feel free and, in the words of Joni Mitchell, I also, “want to make you feel free.”
3. Faith - when I was in Gorepani, in the Himalayas, I met a woman who was on her trek back from basecamp, while I was on my trek toward it. She said, seeing Matchaputre, a sacred mountain (and therefore illegal to climb) so up close felt almost “holy,” she continued that climbing a mountain is kind of like finding God - it is really hard to do, you want to stop a lot, you want to turn around and give up, but when you get to the top you realize how worth it it all was because it is SO BEAUTIFUL. Well, it has been a long spiritual journey for me. I don’t care if it’s a cliche because it is true. It overwhelms me to think about my faith and a lot of the discovery happened in Mysore. I prefer to keep this private, for now, but, I want to continue discovering my own beliefs and during that process, just like while climbing a mountain, go slow, take lots of breaks, drink plenty of water and be gentle with myself.
4. Ashtanga - of course I will take yoga with me, and Ashtanga is portable!
5. Food - I have been priveliged to take cooking classes in all the countries! I lost some recipes along the way, but I will definitely be making dosa (S. indian, sourdough crep-like), momo (Tibetan, big big dumplings), and ALL THE THAI FOOD.
6. Patience and saving Face - something that the people of Southeast Asia specialize in. Stayimg calm, not losing my temper! I think I can take this with me.
7. Photos! Duh, as long as I dont lose my memory card or camera! ( banke bura!!! - knock on wood in Norwegian, pretty sure spelled wrong)
8. Bed bugs!!!! Just kidddinnnng fixed that problem (I hope!)

So the end of this post may read a bit rushed, I am late for my flight to Cambodia!

See you all soon, with all my new things!

Xoxo

LOVE

“What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” - Jack Kerouac

I have learned many things over the course of the past three and a half months. Things like how to like whole milk, what cows mean, how to get into garbha pindasana, how to recognize altitude sickness, how to ride a motor bike, what Burmese food is, and and how to deal with bed bugs. There is something else I have learned on this trip. It is a… reoccuring lesson if you will. To tell this story, I need to start here: it was Monday afternoon when I arribed in Pai. Pai is a Northern town of Thailand. I took off my pack in my communal living tree house, and ventured out to meet new folks. I was to stay here two nights and then head to Laos.

Hehe! Oops! I have now been here seven days, and the idea if leaving is killing me. I have realized an important distinction between being stranded because of travel logistics and sticking around because you want to. I am happy. I have not felt this type of happiness in so long - it is… sustainable. I was sad to leae Pai, nervous about losing this happy feeling. Pai must have me sort of special energy. What, with the jungle mountains hugging it’s edges, blanketed in a soft layer of mist and steam, how could it not. Well, the lesson I have learned here, is one of letting go, of goodbye. Anyone who knows me knows this is a toughy for me.

But my lessons on letting go are rooted impermanence, internal happiness, freedom and… Faith. These four concepts are officially inter-related for me. A wonderful person I have met here told me that sometimes, while traveling, she doesn’t share contact info with people she meets. She finds that after a while she has nothing to say to the person anymore and the purpose of their relationship, however fleeting, was in the moments they spent together. I realized my feelings resonated with this. But I was confused. I worked it out like this: I am happy when I am free. Freedom can be scary if you believe in permanence. For some, it can be horrifying if you don’t have faith. But, if you remember simply, that nothing is permanent. Nothing is permanent. Repeat. Then, just maybe, you can be at peace with yourself, with that peace you might find some internal happiness, you might be happy enough to have faith it will work out, and hen you can access your freedom, and saying goodbye is just a part of being free.

… photos to come!

I left the busy cities of Delhi and Kathmandu for the serenity of the Himalayas. After a long trek, I found myself in Bangkok.

I was at once overcome with confusion: why isn’t the airport wooden with mirrors on the pillars? Where is all of the trash? Why are there lanes on the highways?! And sidewalks?! Street signs are green like the USA! Are you sure I can eat this salad? And that fresh fruit? I can brush my teeth with tap water? What the hey?! There are bear knees and shoulders ebertwhere… Promiscuous! I was convinced Thai AirwaYs had played a trick on us and somewhere between Kathmandu and Bangladesh, taken a turn for the West! But no, Tom Yum Soup simmered in the air, the rubber of my flip flops melted on the streets, sounds of “-kah” in all pitches echod down the streets, and sky scrapers carved mysterious archs, curves, and bends into the dome above them. Bangkok. Woah.

Since I began this trip, I have had a sort of silent desperation for Thailand. So
excited that I really never did believe I would actually make it here. I am lucky to have come this far. I have been very busy, so excuse my lqck of pictures! I am currently in Chiang Mai, in Northern Thailand, and headed for the burmese boarder. I will post pictures when I find a way to do so freely.

More to come!